I lead worship at a local prayer house in town and on the way there the other morning I felt so disconnected and dry. It was 5 o'clock in the morning and we all know how the enemy likes to distract us in these vulnerable moments before sleeping and just after waking.
I was driving towards the prayer house to be on time (imagine that??) for debriefing and my windows were all foggy. I'll remind you I am from South Dakota and I am a professional at dealing with fogged windows in the winter. But, it is the middle of the summer so I will admit, I was a little confused on how to deal with it this time. I tried cold air and the windows got worse, and I tried warm air. Nothing was helping so I just continued to use my wipers so I could see.
As I am driving up the hill, that same feeling of being disconnected got stronger and stronger. I remember thinking: "I just don't feel called to do this, I don't feel anointed," and I know from past experience that when I allow myself to focus on how uncomfortable I am...I always find an excuse to not do that which I was planning to do.
I remember that I looked down at my speedometer (because, let's be honest I have a lead foot) and I decided in my heart that I wasn't going to let my feelings decide my actions. I said (out loud!) to myself that I wasn't going to give the devil my anointing or let him take my blessing.
When I looked up from the wheel after that split second of decision making, my windshield was completely clear. There wasn't even residue of the fog anymore. As I mentioned before, I am a (semi) pro at fog and I know that it takes a little bit for the fog to completely disappear.
I knew in my heart that God was showing me in a very direct way that I am anointed and I am called to lead people into worship and intercede for this city and the people around me. If you take anything from this story, please understand that
YOUR FEELINGS LIE TO YOU.
The Bible says in Jeremiah 17:9 that
9 The heart is deceitful above all things,
and desperately sick;
who can understand it?
Who can understand it? Do we not have thousands of people who devote their lives to understanding how humans function and what drives them? We have people who make it their mission to understand what drives human action. Think of the advertiser: he or she is fluent in understanding why humans buy certain products, the psychologist is adept in studying mental behavior and processes. Even the teacher is trained and tested on how well he or she can communicate information that will ultimately influence the paradigm that people carry around with them. That influence shapes our entire culture!
So we can't deny that feelings are very important. They can not be ignored. But they also can't be trusted. Acknowledging a feeling is not the same as believing it. In fact, it is paramount that we don't ignore our feelings because understanding them is key to having healthy relationships and healing from broken relationships of the past.
As I thought about this, the feeling of chaos and confusion threatened to take over. I mean if I can't believe my feelings than what am I supposed to believe?? What am I supposed to use in situations when I am interacting with people, confronting issues, and just generally being a person?
But, if we use this method of acknowledgment without belief and step past this anxiety, the reality is, having the knowledge that feelings lie is actually good news. I promise. That means when I feel like God doesn't see me or love me anymore or I feel like I have nothing to offer, or I am feeling anything else that would threaten the truth that God has spoken over me I know that it is just false evidence appearing real.
Earlier in the scripture God is talking to the Israelites through Jeremiah and it's important to look at this verse about the heart in the context of what God was already saying to them.
5Thus says the Lord:
“Cursed is the man who trusts in man
and makes flesh his strength,[a]
whose heart turns away from the Lord.
6 He is like a shrub in the desert,
and shall not see any good come.
He shall dwell in the parched places of the wilderness,
in an uninhabited salt land.
7 “Blessed is the man who trusts in the Lord,
whose trust is the Lord.
8 He is like a tree planted by water,
that sends out its roots by the stream,
and does not fear when heat comes,
for its leaves remain green,
and is not anxious in the year of drought,
for it does not cease to bear fruit.”
9 The heart is deceitful above all things,
and desperately sick;
who can understand it?
10 “I the Lord search the heart
and test the mind,[b]
to give every man according to his ways,
according to the fruit of his deeds.”
When God says "cursed is the man that trusts in man", I don't believe in this context He's saying that He, Himself is going to curse you. He is saying that when you rely on man who is faulty and sure to fail, it is a curse. Imagine the woman who relies on her husband or boyfriend to complete her... it will never happen because only God can complete a person. When she is older and she is tired of waiting for her husband or significant other to give her what she needs, she becomes angry with him. He doesn't even know why she's angry and prone to shut down, but she is and the cycle has a downward spiral from there. I say this just as an example and that type of unhealthy reliance is not specific to any sex, it happens to anyone who is not in right relationship with God.
But as we see with that woman, she is trusting in man to give her what only God can: peace, fulfillment, joy, etc. Her life is like that plant in the desert. Desperately trying to survive and glean any kind of source of life from the parched wilderness. All the while she is in this desert, the enemy -- the devil, uses her feelings against her in order to keep her from seeing that the Source of Life, Jesus Christ, is both willing and able to step in and give her everything she needs. We have to remember that Jesus is a gentleman, and He doesn't step into situations that He's been kicked out of.
We decide everyday whether or not we will allow God to fill our needs or if we will go out and get them from the world around us. Oftentimes, we chose to try and fill our own lives because we are convinced by our feelings that God is not good and can't be trusted.
Yet, this scripture says that when we wait on the LORD, and allow Him to be our life source we will be like a tree planted by streams of water. That tree has a consistent and intimate source of life, it provides fruit and shade, and it is healthy.
God has promised that if I will allow Him to, He will make me to be the very best version of myself that is possible. And I think it's no coincidence that the LORD includes this verse about the sick heart right after the promise.
It's usually right after I've received a promise from God that the circumstances around me will try to convince me that promise is impossible. Yet, it is my assignment to preach the truth to myself. If God has spoken, who can undo that? If I continue to trust God and allow Him to lead me, nothing can take away the blessing He has set aside for me.
The end of this piece of scripture talks about God testing my heart and mind.
10 “I the Lord search the heart
and test the mind,[b]
to give every man according to his ways
according to the fruit of his deeds.”
That proposition is terrifying because if my heart is deceitful, there's no way to predict what is inside. But God, is filled with compassion and love. He is fully capable of testing my heart and mind to destroy those lies that would have me believe false evidence.
God is good and He is wants your life to be fruitful and healthy. Feelings are not the enemy, but they also are not a reliable source. Jesus is the only reliable and faithful source. He is the only one who really knows the best for you. The best that even our own minds can't conceive of.
I hope you are encouraged. The circumstances around you and the resulting emotional reactions are not always true. The fear that squeezes us in the midst of everyday life needs to be challenged, not accepted. I encourage you to acknowledge the plot of the enemy to keep you silent and keep you ineffective so that you can stand on the Word and work out your salvation with the Him.
You were created for such a time as this, and the devil would love to keep you afraid. Stand up against yourself and speak the truth of God over yourself no matter what your feelings are telling you.
Blessings,
Elizabeth
