Convicted.

I lead worship at the penitentiary today.

I WAS TERRIFIED.

I drove up to the building by myself with a vague idea of what I was supposed to be doing and no clue where I was supposed to do it. There were inmates outside cleaning up the leaves on the ground and I didn't know whether I was to talk to them or not to talk to them...but then they talked to me and then I just didn't know what to do --you see what I mean?

I decided as I walked inside that I wasn't going to let fear make me rude to these people and I wasn't going to think of myself in a higher position than I really am in comparison. The only difference between me and everyone in that room is the choices we made from our circumstances.

Anyway, long story short it was a great experience. My fear seemed to skyrocket with the slamming of the metal doors and the clink of all the metal on metal. It was all very intense. As I climbed the stairs to the chapel I expected the room and the men in it to be more...frightening.

But, to my surprise, there were stained glass windows and images of Jesus all around the room. The light came in beautifully. The carpet was typical church flooring and it seemed just like a regular church or chapel somewhere, except everyone was wearing the same outfit.

The other musician and I made our way down to the center of the "stage" area and there were mic stands and guitar stands, even music stands. I realized that I was being treated better there at the prison than I have been at some churches I've lead worship for. The inmates were very helpful and followed all the rules, none of them invaded my personal space or asked me questions about my life that were inappropriate.

After I had sang a couple songs, and the other musician had done the same, I felt God impress on me to speak about some pages I had read out of Diogenes Allen's book Spiritual Theology. I was totally down to do it until I found the pages I needed and looked at what I had written on the bottom.

Conviction.

You guys, I'm not kidding I went to the prison today and talked to convicted inmates about being convicted by the Holy Spirit. I thought "surely I will offend them" and I thought about all the ways that I was unqualified to talk about the subject and this and that.

But I remembered that I'm not really qualified to do any kind of ministering to people without the Spirit of God anyway, so...I went for it!

I'm not even sure what I said but I know that they understood me. I was blatant about the comparison between the conviction they all had received to even be in the room and the conviction of the Holy Spirit. In fact, I clearly remember saying "I know you all understand that the word conviction means something totally different in here than it does outside," and it does. In fact, it seemed like every head in the room nodded in agreement.

Those men in that room with me clearly understand what it means to be convicted.

I remember talking about how Spiritual Theology contests that the test to see if we are truly Christians, or truly following God is to check: "do I want my life to look like God's?" or do I really want to be obedient and follow God's word about me and my life? Am I being transformed? Those are the questions that need to be answered.

We talked about practicing God's presence and many other subjects. But, for this blog I will just tell you that when God calls you to do things that are literally terrifying -- just know that the safest place to be is inside of His will.

Even if he calls you to Antartica or to talk to prisoners about the meaning of conviction and following Jesus --inside the will of God is the best place for you to be.

2 Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will.  Romans 12:2 (NIV)

Accidentally Walking Away from God?

I'm learning something very important right now.

Has God ever taught you a lesson like 4 times in a row in different ways and it still doesn't click until...it does? I am so blessed by His patience and mercy with me.

God is the one who saves people. 

Read it again.

God is the one who saves people.

God is the one who changes hearts. It is his Spirit that moves inside of the deepest parts of us and changes us from the inside out. To the point where we can no longer recognize ourselves. It is Jesus. It is God.

Yet, I find myself trying to put my fingers in the clay.

"But God, I can help You. I can."

The only "But God" that I need to pay attention to is "But God, who is rich in mercy..." That, is what is the focus. I heard once at a conference that the story of earth is called History for a reason. His  + story. I am an extra in a grand tale of love, faithfulness, and heartache.

In no way do I mean to say that I am not important in the eyes of God or in His story. What I mean to say is that I, Elizabeth, am not the main character of the story. Not even of my own life. If I were the main character the story would be filled with hopelessness and doubt. But, with God in the starring role there is hope and redemption. There is peace.

When we are the main character of the story it is up to us in a way, to be the best. All of the pressure is on us. We have to act a certain way, talk, be, do, all of it. Everything must be perfect. Yet, because of the fall of man, there is nothing innately perfect about me. Only the Jesus within me.

In fact, when I was in youth group the other night with my students the speaker said something that hit me so deeply.

"Living a life of legalism is walking away from God."

For all of our trying to get close to him, and all of our doing just the right things -- it doesn't work. That very lifestyle pulls us away from the reality and the character of God.

When I sin, I have two options. The first choice is in line with legalism, I can sit up straight and swear I'll never do it again and just try really hard, hoping and praying that God will forgive me (or even knowing that God will forgive me and therefore brushing it off) or I can fall into grace and to my knees in worship, repenting and growing deeper with God.

I tell you what guys, the speaker that night at youth group was reading my mail! He said that the life of grace allows you to fall back into worship when you sin and the life of legalism is what drives you away from God. My trying to save myself, is what leads me away from God.

I don't know who reads these or what situations you're facing. But, I do know this: the sin in your life is not a surprise to God. He's not confused or freaked out by what you've done or even what you will do. It says in Romans that while we were yet sinners...we were in enmity with God, full on partners with the world --Jesus came and died.

God doesn't need us to be perfect so we can save our neighbors or be allowed into heaven or any of that. It is our imperfections that rub against one another to create polished silver. For some reason, God chose relationships to be the medium through which he shapes and forms us into the image of his son. He makes beauty out of ashes.

I implore you, don't let sin take another day, another hour, another minute away from your relationship with Jesus. Don't let the guilt you "should feel" or the guilt you do feel push you away from God. Yes, sin is ugly and can not be tolerated but Jesus came to pay the price for all of it.

I promise you the enemy will try to make you feel stupid for not figuring out sooner, or he will tell you that it's too late, you don't have what it takes, he will tell you anything to make you feel like God can't handle whatever you've got going on.

Push through. A broken and contrite heart will never be despised. Repent and walk with me towards God in humility and not away from him in legalism. 

The Good Dinosaur Made Me Cry

There are somethings that we are meant to feel pain about I think.

I've been going through a lot of changes recently and my journal is too far away to go grab so I thought I write a censored version of my thoughts here, so bear with me.

When a baby goes to sleep, he isn't thinking about the pain in the world, he's not thinking about the bill he has to pay or the fight he just had with his sisters a moment before he fell asleep. A baby goes to sleep with peace of mind.

The more I step into adulthood the more I see that reality of being "unburdened" slip the grasp of my fingers. It seems that every day I hear worse and worse news both on the news and in my personal life.

I'm definitely not trying to be a Debby Downer or anything like that. I'm just being honest. Life gets harder as we get older and that is okay.

It's okay to say you're struggling, it's okay to not know what to do. Sometimes, when I am confronted with so much pain around me -- my default response is numbness.  It's like I can't take in one more story of pain because as a human, I've only a limited amount of compassion and sadness I can handle on my own strength.

I watched the movie "The Good Dinosaur" today, and I am pretty sure the crying I was doing falls more towards the category of weeping than it does movie crying.

Alro, the main character was born afraid (as we all are) and [SPOILER] his adventures bring him to a point of decision. He must decide between fear and love.

Fear and love can not coexist. I'll be honest and say that God has been convicting me of this lately.
I've allowed fear to have the final word more often than not and because of it I'm missing out on the fullness that God has for me.

Arlo's papa said something to him in the middle of the movie that hit me so deeply (cue tears). It was a response to his son's overwhelming fear -- "I'm not like you, Papa".

Before I spill the beans on this new motto for life courtesy of Papa Dinosaur, we need to talk about comparison.

There are plenty of quotes about comparison that I think we gloss over. We need to take a moment a zero in on these. Comparison destroys joy. It's the key to unlocking an unhappy and unproductive life because it takes the focus off of what's actually happening in reality to what my mind or your mind can project onto people.

That's a lot to talk about so I'll save deeper discussions for personal face to face conversations.

After Arlo emphatically tried to make his dad understand why he wasn't good enough for this and that based off of his own fear-based perception of reality -- Papa reminded Arlo "You are me and more".

I can't tell you exactly why this struck me so deeply, but it reminded me of the verse where Jesus tells his disciples that greater [works] than these you will do. That might be out of context but I think the point still stands: we are made for great things and fear + comparison (aka satan) keep us from it.

Now, what is it that brings us to a point where we could be like Jesus so much that greater miracles than even He performed would be seen on the earth?

I think the answer lies in pain. Not fully of course, not everything requires pain to be considered worthwhile change. But, all in all -- I've noticed some of the best things come from a process that is filled with pain. And maybe pain is just a result of the fall of mankind and we aren't even supposed to have that experience. Yet, how good is God that he can use even the darkest and most trying circumstances to bring about joy and beauty.

I know this isn't a full blog, and it might not have been easy to read (English wise), but I wanted to remind you all that because of God's mercy and compassion the pain you experience in life isn't for nothing. Comparison will seem closer than a brother at first but in the end it will take everything from you if you let it. You are more than you could ever imagine, and if you'll say yes to God, He will lead you there step by step, day by day.


Love you all. Feel free to post your thoughts as well.

PS. I promise I'll start writing more, eventually. Give me grace as I learn to be me without comparison. 

Desperately Sick

I lead worship at a local prayer house in town and on the way there the other morning I felt so disconnected and dry. It was 5 o'clock in the morning and we all know how the enemy likes to distract us in these vulnerable moments before sleeping and just after waking. 

I was driving towards the prayer house to be on time (imagine that??) for debriefing and my windows were all foggy. I'll remind you I am from South Dakota and I am a professional at dealing with fogged windows in the winter. But, it is the middle of the summer so I will admit, I was a little confused on how to deal with it this time. I tried cold air and the windows got worse, and I tried warm air. Nothing was helping so I just continued to use my wipers so I could see. 

As I am driving up the hill, that same feeling of being disconnected got stronger and stronger. I remember thinking: "I just don't feel called to do this, I don't feel anointed," and I know from past experience that when I allow myself to focus on how uncomfortable I am...I always find an excuse to not do that which I was planning to do. 

I remember that I looked down at my speedometer (because, let's be honest I have a lead foot) and I decided in my heart that I wasn't going to let my feelings decide my actions. I said (out loud!) to myself that I wasn't going to give the devil my anointing or let him take my blessing.

When I looked up from the wheel after that split second of decision making, my windshield was completely clear. There wasn't even residue of the fog anymore. As I mentioned before, I am a (semi) pro at fog and I know that it takes a little bit for the fog to completely disappear.  

I knew in my heart that God was showing me in a very direct way that I am anointed and I am called to lead people into worship and intercede for this city and the people around me. If you take anything from this story, please understand that 

YOUR FEELINGS LIE TO YOU. 

The Bible says in Jeremiah 17:9 that 

9 The heart is deceitful above all things,

    and desperately sick;

    who can understand it?

Who can understand it? Do we not have thousands of people who devote their lives to understanding how humans function and what drives them? We have people who make it their mission to understand what drives human action. Think of the advertiser: he or she is fluent in understanding why humans buy certain products, the psychologist is adept in studying mental behavior and processes. Even the teacher is trained and tested on how well he or she can communicate information that will ultimately influence the paradigm that people carry around with them. That influence shapes our entire culture! 

So we can't deny that feelings are very important. They can not be ignored. But they also can't be trusted. Acknowledging a feeling is not the same as believing it. In fact, it is paramount that we don't ignore our feelings because understanding them is key to having healthy relationships and healing from broken relationships of the past. 

As I thought about this, the feeling of chaos and confusion threatened to take over. I mean if I can't believe my feelings than what am I supposed to believe?? What am I supposed to use in situations when I am interacting with people, confronting issues, and just generally being a person? 

But, if we use this method of acknowledgment without belief and step past this anxiety, the reality is, having the knowledge that feelings lie is actually good news. I promise. That means when I feel like God doesn't see me or love me anymore or I feel like I have nothing to offer, or I am feeling anything else that would threaten the truth that God has spoken over me I know that it is just false evidence appearing real. 

Earlier in the scripture God is talking to the Israelites through Jeremiah and it's important to look at this verse about the heart in the context of what God was already saying to them. 

5Thus says the Lord:

“Cursed is the man who trusts in man

    and makes flesh his strength,[a]

    whose heart turns away from the Lord.

6 He is like a shrub in the desert,

    and shall not see any good come.

He shall dwell in the parched places of the wilderness,

    in an uninhabited salt land.

7 “Blessed is the man who trusts in the Lord,

    whose trust is the Lord.

8 He is like a tree planted by water,

    that sends out its roots by the stream,

and does not fear when heat comes,

    for its leaves remain green,

and is not anxious in the year of drought,

    for it does not cease to bear fruit.”

9 The heart is deceitful above all things,

    and desperately sick;

    who can understand it?

10 “I the Lord search the heart

    and test the mind,[b]

to give every man according to his ways,

according to the fruit of his deeds.”

When God says "cursed is the man that trusts in man", I don't believe in this context He's saying that He,  Himself is going to curse you. He is saying that when you rely on man who is faulty and sure to fail, it is a curse. Imagine the woman who relies on her husband or boyfriend to complete her... it will never happen because only God can complete a person. When she is older and she is tired of waiting for her husband or significant other to give her what she needs, she becomes angry with him. He doesn't even know why she's angry and prone to shut down, but she is and the cycle has a downward spiral from there. I say this just as an example and that type of unhealthy reliance is not specific to any sex, it happens to anyone who is not in right relationship with God. 

But as we see with that woman, she is trusting in man to give her what only God can: peace, fulfillment, joy, etc. Her life is like that plant in the desert. Desperately trying to survive and glean any kind of source of life from the parched wilderness. All the while she is in this desert, the enemy -- the devil, uses her feelings against her in order to keep her from seeing that the Source of Life, Jesus Christ, is both willing and able to step in and give her everything she needs. We have to remember that Jesus is a gentleman, and He doesn't step into situations that He's been kicked out of. 

We decide everyday whether or not we will allow God to fill our needs or if we will go out and get them from the world around us. Oftentimes, we chose to try and fill our own lives because we are convinced by our feelings that God is not good and can't be trusted. 

Yet, this scripture says that when we wait on the LORD, and allow Him to be our life source we will be like a tree planted by streams of water. That tree has a consistent and intimate source of life, it provides fruit and shade, and it is healthy. 

God has promised that if I will allow Him to, He will make me to be the very best version of myself that is possible. And I think it's no coincidence that the LORD includes this verse about the sick heart right after the promise. 

It's usually right after I've received a promise from God that the circumstances around me will try to convince me that promise is impossible. Yet, it is my assignment to preach the truth to myself. If God has spoken, who can undo that? If I continue to trust God and allow Him to lead me, nothing can take away the blessing He has set aside for me. 

The end of this piece of scripture talks about God testing my heart and mind.

10 “I the Lord search the heart

and test the mind,[b]

to give every man according to his ways

according to the fruit of his deeds.” 

That proposition is terrifying because if my heart is deceitful, there's no way to predict what is inside. But God, is filled with compassion and love. He is fully capable of testing my heart and mind to destroy those lies that would have me believe false evidence. 

God is good and He is wants your life to be fruitful and healthy. Feelings are not the enemy, but they also are not a reliable source. Jesus is the only reliable and faithful source. He is the only one who really knows the best for you. The best that even our own minds can't conceive of. 

I hope you are encouraged. The circumstances around you and the resulting emotional reactions are not always true. The fear that squeezes us in the midst of everyday life needs to be challenged, not accepted. I encourage you to acknowledge the plot of the enemy to keep you silent and keep you ineffective so that you can stand on the Word and work out your salvation with the Him. 

You were created for such a time as this, and the devil would love to keep you afraid. Stand up against yourself and speak the truth of God over yourself no matter what your feelings are telling you. 

Blessings,

Elizabeth